This life ain't worth livin'

this is dead

2007-01-06T06:06:52Z

i have now a livejournal add me if you wish. http://ragxdoll32.livejournal.com/

happy pills

2006-03-01T23:02:20Z

I had my shrink appoitment today. I told her that I started to cut again. I told her that I was feeling that I was falling back into my depression. About feeling numb most of the time. About not letting myself feel anything too good. She then said that she thouth it would be nice for me to go on pills she recommend: effexor. I'll do a few research and then go off and talk to my doctor about it. The thouth of taking pills scares the living fuck out of me.
I told my mom about it and the very first thing she said was"no" "no you don't need them" "you said you were okay about your uncle's death."
me"I'm okay with it's death!!! that's not what's wrong"
"the what is wrong with you?? (in a arrogent voice, like I"m making up my problems)
"I'm just freaking crazy that's it"
end of discusion.
so I'm not quite sure yet on what I'll do. Still thinking I want to be happy and okay yet it's like taking pills proves to me that I couldn't make it on my own. gah i hate this.

don't leave me

2006-02-17T16:46:14Z

Frank got in a car accident yesturday. I was at work when they phoned me. I was so stressed on my way to the hospital. 5 hours before the car accident he told me he loved me for the first time. All time I was there I couldn;t help but want to cut or cry but jess has my pocket kinfes*she took them from me she knows about my si) . i was afraid he was gonan die and damn I couldn't lose him. i realise how much i love him. But everything is okay now. he is in pain but nothing is wrong.

2 jobs to none

2006-02-11T07:47:49Z

I quit my job that I've been at for a year and 9 months because they didn't give me enough hours. found a full time job and quit after 2 weeks. that job was shit. so yeah wenesday is my last shift. Hopefully I can find another one soon. damn.

I've started to si again. it sucks yet I don't want to stop. Not yet. Frank saw them again yet he didn't ask any questions. He just ran his fingers over it. felt good.

happy b-day

2006-01-25T17:07:01Z

blade_to_wrist!!!! May you get everything you could wish for!!!

failed

2006-01-25T00:26:08Z

I'm sorry to say but I've failed myself and all of you. I cut. 4 lines of my tights(sp most be wrong). They are not deep but they are bright. I'm freaking out yet calm. I know i did wrong but at the same time, it doesn't matter that much. I needed it. They are pretty. They hurt. Damn I missed them. I feel strong yet weak...god. I'm such a fuck up.

depressed

2006-01-22T22:30:11Z

I hate this, I feel like I'm falling back into depression. I hate it. I'm trying to find the force inside me to keep my head up. too hard It feels like the only thing that could help me would be o cut. If I could cut then things would be better. But I have to resist. I remind myself that Frank could see the marks and then things could go nuts. I would run away from him but then again I can't do that because there is a part of me that needs him. I feel safe when I'm with him. Jean got a gf. I got pissed when I found out for some reason...

crazy person

2006-01-14T19:59:54Z

I acted like a crazy person on tuesday. We went out and I got drunk. One of my gf was drunk aswell. I love her too death but she is an attention seeker. She cuts for attention. anyway for some reason she ended up cutting at the bar in front of everyone. I got pissed because I don't want her to hurt herself. I ended up yelling at her and left. Outside I met a friend of hers who force me to stay with him untill jess(my attention seeker friend) came out. She got out and I wanted to leave because I knew that if I talk to jess I'd be mean. He said that if I was really her friend I would have stayed. the thing is Jess has pushed me to the limit, I've been there for her for a year and yet she just doesn't want help. So I told him to fuck off and ended up having flashes of my uncle who comited suicide not so long ago. I went crazy I ended up running down the street with snow ice wearing high heels and no coat. Frank fallowed me and tried to hold me. I was screaming, kicking the whole crazy stuff. And he just stayed there and hold me tight. telling me everything was gonna be allright.

later on when shit was settle we were laying in bed and he told me he had been thinking about me all evening and that he thouth he was falling in love with me. I told him that I knew I was in love with him. We haven't mention it again...

cut me open

2006-01-09T23:54:35Z

damn the urge of cutting is getting stronger I'm freaking out. I want my life to just stop moving for a second.
to start with there is a ghost in my house. For those of you who don't believe in ghost it's okay you can have our own mind but please don't go off and start to judge me. thanx. anywho this ghost is feeding of my energy. I sleep and still wake up tired, i can't control my emotions. I feel like crying all the time and my stress level had reach the roof....My friend is comming over tonight and we will check what we can do.

On another note I haven't told Frank about my feelings yet. I'll just wait for the right moment. I feel myself drifting back into depression i can't help it I don't know what's causing it.

I've got things straight out because jean and I. Ater all the crap that has happend i'm just glad things are back to normal. I hate that I feel somewhat of an attraction to him thouth. I woldn't go with him or do anything with him but still...blah blabbing again...

new year

2006-01-03T23:07:15Z

Damn this is a new year. I can't fucking believe that the year 2005 is finally over. I was looking back at some old entries and damn I hope the next year won't be the same. Last year at this time I was 20 pounds lighter and it's freaking me out. I can't believe I've let myself gain that much weight. I'm just a fat whore. Yet Frank seems to love my body. he told Jess that I had the most beautiful body he had ever saw and touched. I just can't believe he would be attracted to something like that. I just don't understand how. Anyway we ended up speaning new year together and we slept together. It wasn't how I've imagine it. Yea I still live in a fairy tale. He was drunk I wasn't sober...yet it doesn't matter. I love him and just don't know how to tell him. It's insane. I just want to be happy with him...maybe even recover from the ed depression si crap. I don't know anymore...I feel like I don't know who I can't count on. who is my real friend. seems like execpt from julie they all shit in my face. blah I'm babbling...

still on earth

2005-12-30T01:38:02Z

Well I'm still here. I'm sorry I've been a total bitch with no posting or answering of any kind. I've been really busy with owrk, school and life. As you may know I work in a store so yea x-mas is really intense there. I didn't have lots of time to myself. I've also try another attempt at losing weight by taking the computer away from me. didn't work, I'm still fat and still crazy. Things between me and sophie are better now touth I'm still pissed about the Jean thing. I'm mostly pissed about everything right now. Jessy did the same that sophie did but with another guy that i liked...blah fuck them. me and frank are going somewhere. I don't know where it is but it's somewhere. I'm really starting to get attache to him and it scares me a little. But yea I'll get over it. I got my nipple piercied!

what a bitch

2005-12-12T18:00:58Z

aight. So we went out yesturday. there was me, jessy, sophie. We met jean and Marty. I have a thing for both guys and the girls knows about it. Last week when jessy kissed Jean sophie said it was really mean of her.
anyway yestuday Sophie was all over jean AFTER I told her that I was attracted to him more then to Marty. I got so mad inside that I wanted to cut. I had my pocket knife with me. But I didn't do it. I was just boiling inside. Specially after I found out that she talk to jean about marty and I??!?!?!?!?!?
then I left the fuck outta there I went for coffee with julie and Frank. After abuor 2 hours I got to the bathroom and who do I bump into??? Marty. He is there with the rest of the people. I started to shake like there was no tomorrow.
anyway the end of the story is that sophie took Jean home with her. Fucking trash whore. She does that ALL the time. I went out with her 3 times and the 3 times she was all over guys. Even when back then she had a bf...

kiss me again please

2005-12-07T23:22:38Z

I went out to a bar yeturday. I had decide not to tell Frank because first: I wanted to go out with my girlfriends . second, Seb was gonna be there, third: We are not going out so I don't owe him a thing.
as I was getting ready with my friend, my cell rang:
me: hello
frank: hey what ya doing
Me: bah nothing just chilling with jessy
Frank: k well you guys comme to the bar k?
me:ummm okay. bye

So yea he was already at the very bar that I was going...So we get there. I sit with frank 40 minutes later Seb comes into the bar. We waves. I freak out and go to the bathroom. bump into him right infront of frank. So I hug Seb gives him 2 kisses on each cheek and he said." damn you missed me right". ME: offf don't get your hopes up." anyway the night goes and Frank has to go(he is drunk and has been kissing me all night). He kiss him as Jessy is trying to hide me so seb doesn't see it(??)
anyway seb sits beside me later on and ask me if I've met someone because he has see me kiss Frank. I say: yes and no.
anyway(damn too much use of that word) I ended up kissing seb about 3 times...I need to stop this because I don't know what I want and don't want to hurt anyone. I've been clear with Frank that we could see other people
but am i a bad person??

running out of life

2005-12-02T08:29:08Z

I've met a girl. Her name is sarah. I've only known her for a month and yet she knows more about me then all of my friends. I feel safe to tell her my secrets. I told her about my si this week. she is the first person I told beside the people on here. She cried when I told her my life. She is one of the bet person I've ever met.

Frank update: Well things are back to the way I like it. We communicate very well on a physical level. It's crazy we were dancng yesturday and our eyes were lock on the others most of the time. I really feel attracted to him. I don't know what it will do but we will see. I feel happy when I'm with him but now in love.

dirty

2005-11-29T09:37:13Z

I feel dirty. I made out with a guy that I don't know that well and let him touch my breast. I'm a fat whore. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep being like this. I hate myself.

what to do

2005-11-29T04:57:03Z

damn Frank is getting attached to me and I'm afraid he is gonna fall in love with me. I have to stop everything but I don't know how. Damn I hate this shit! Why do i always get my fat ass in those situation...

mm??

2005-11-20T22:35:11Z

Anyone from mm?? I've been trying to get on the boards But it's only for mods...Anyone experiencing the same thing??

happy yet trigger.

2005-11-19T05:35:48Z

FRank makes me feel happy yet he triggers the worst in me. Exemple, the other day for the heck of it he burn me with a lighter. Now I have a huge mark on my arm and it sucks. But the worst thing is that I use to burn myself before I started to cut. So yea it did trigger me to start again but the mark on my arm is a reminder of how ugly it's gonna be. He also trigger my ed. Just like all guys do. It sucks but all at the same time he makes me feel so happy.
I saw Flame yesturday. He was in MY store. I was comming back from my break and he was there. I what did I do? I hide. yes ladies and gentleman I hide.
the today I saw Rick with his gf...He looks so happy with her. I'm happy for him yet it's still breaking my heart because I still have feelings for him. WAit not really feelings but there is still something that said that if I had told me how I felt that things could have been different. I can;t think about that. Does anyone have any good stuff I can put on a burn??

life is crazy

2005-11-16T07:59:51Z

woah. My life has been turning up side down and side way lately. Anyway I'll try to short it. Frank and I shared our first kiss. It was sweet. I was starting to get worried as to where we were gonna go with this. I mean with Jamie the kinda same scenerio happend. He wanted more than what I wanted. But yea saturday we hang out with bunch of people and then on sunday we watch 2 movies together. This is when we actually kissed. The thing that sucks is that we can't be alone enough for me to really kiss him. I'm really attracted to him.
We went out tonight and gave each other small kisses in the bar. none of my friends knew about the kiss but yea now they are gonna know. Anyway then he called me because he wanted to know what I thouth of what we were doing. I said that I didn't want to take things to fast because we barely know each other. He thouth the same thing. At some point I thouth he was gonna ask me out before that and I was freaking out. But yea things are okay on that side if we take away the part that flame is comming back in my mind. That really does sucks.

Work is still hell. my boss is freaking out like always. saying we all suck and are not good at our job.
I'm falling my french class and it sucks.

woah I said woah

2005-11-13T10:23:07Z

You guys would never believe what just freaking happend to me?!?!?! I've mention my friend frank recently right? Anyway we went out with friend tonight and we were flirting like crazy. you know the tikkleling the bitting. All evening long I wanted to kiss him. At one point I litteraly thouth I was gonna jump on him. anyway, i didn;t and got home alone. Then he got on msn and we were talking and he told me that I had beautiful eyes and then we talk about each other eyes. He then said he would give me a flower or a kiss and I said I wanted both. He said where do you want your kiss on the cheek or the lip. I told him suprise me. he said he would do both when he see me. I freaking out!!!!!

designated driver.

2005-11-09T22:55:26Z

woah. yesturday was ummm special.
It was a friend b-day and was invited. Anyway that guy has something special that I can't put my finger on. it's not physical attraction but he has this vibe and damn those eyes. you know the bed eyes? well he was those like all the time!!! anyway, i was dressed to impressed. Hahahaha joke, i just had jeans and a top that was putting my cleverage on "display" not like sluty but you know what i mean.
anyway there was this girl with us who has a bf and was all over my friend franky. I really got pissed inside but told her when after about 4 hours of flirting with him she told me:" i don't know what to do. he won't leave me alone and I'm attracted to his friend." I got pissed and told her: "well he would have left you alone if you didn't rub yourself on him all night". She just smile goofy, she was drunk. Anyway she ended up leaving him alone and danced with his friend and left with that guy. I got to slow dance with him but it was so funny because he was drunk so turning was intense because he was feeling sick.
Then we went to mcdonald. didn't eat anything there. Ended up going home at 4:30am...was a fun night! and only drank one drink
bad thing I cut before that....
good thing: he said i was pretty.

19 days cut free

2005-11-08T23:07:13Z

I had been 19 days with cutting myself. I did it half an hour ago. I'm such a failiur...

still alive

2005-11-07T06:34:56Z

it has been a little while since my last entry. So yea here is a little resume.

shrink update: My shrink ended up finding a place for me last week. wish is great because I needed to talk to her. Together we decided that it would be good for me to try and go only once every 2 weeks. Let's see what it would do

ummm I've mention this musician guy in a past entry I ended up seeing him again and man does he suck. He has nothing to say. Get cranky when he doesn't have attention and finally when you look at him, he is ugly. I've meet 2 of his friends. One has something for me while I have nothing more then friendship while the other is just plain weird. I'm not physicly attracted to him but there is something about that guy that i don't know how to explain it. There is just something about him. it's like I need to get to know him better. But I have the feeling that he doesn't want anything from me and that one of my friend will catch his sight...damn paranoia...

stress wreck

2005-10-27T05:29:44Z

I'm a walking stress case! I had my appointment with my shrink and told her about flame. I told her everything about that shit. She told me it didn't amke me a bad person and lots of people would have reacted that way. Once again I'm normal which makes me feel rather strange. I feel like my problems are not real. Anyway the flame thing brings back lots of bad memories and I need my shrink. What does she tell me?? "I'm all book next week. Do you think you still need to see me every week or wanna try every 2 weeks?" now I know she didn't mean it in a bad way but damn I mean hell I just told her I despise myself and she only wants to see me everyother week? What the fuck is up with that.
Now work is hell. I once again feel like my boss is about to kick me out. She steals my costumers, and ask around if I'm lying. Freaks me out. I( was rather tired today 'till I heard that, now I'm so freaked out the only thing that would help would be cutting and can't let that happend. So I'll just stay stressed out.

jerk ass

2005-10-25T18:33:06Z

Flame(yes already) send me an message asying how sorry he was for hurting me and that he will have to live all his life with regerts. (which may not be that long that what he said). he said he still loves me and hope I can talk to him sometimes. Why does he do this to me!!!!