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This life ain't worth livin'
i have now a livejournal add me if you wish. http://ragxdoll32.livejournal.com/
I had my shrink appoitment today. I told her that I started to cut again. I told her that I was feeling that I was falling back into my depression. About feeling numb most of the time. About not letting myself feel anything too good. She then said that she thouth it would be nice for me to go on pills she recommend: effexor. I'll do a few research and then go off and talk to my doctor about it. The thouth of taking pills scares the living fuck out of me.
I told my mom about it and the very first thing she said was"no" "no you don't need them" "you said you were okay about your uncle's death."
me"I'm okay with it's death!!! that's not what's wrong"
"the what is wrong with you?? (in a arrogent voice, like I"m making up my problems)
"I'm just freaking crazy that's it"
end of discusion.
so I'm not quite sure yet on what I'll do. Still thinking I want to be happy and okay yet it's like taking pills proves to me that I couldn't make it on my own. gah i hate this.
Frank got in a car accident yesturday. I was at work when they phoned me. I was so stressed on my way to the hospital. 5 hours before the car accident he told me he loved me for the first time. All time I was there I couldn;t help but want to cut or cry but jess has my pocket kinfes*she took them from me she knows about my si) . i was afraid he was gonan die and damn I couldn't lose him. i realise how much i love him. But everything is okay now. he is in pain but nothing is wrong.
I quit my job that I've been at for a year and 9 months because they didn't give me enough hours. found a full time job and quit after 2 weeks. that job was shit. so yeah wenesday is my last shift. Hopefully I can find another one soon. damn.
I've started to si again. it sucks yet I don't want to stop. Not yet. Frank saw them again yet he didn't ask any questions. He just ran his fingers over it. felt good.
blade_to_wrist!!!! May you get everything you could wish for!!!
I'm sorry to say but I've failed myself and all of you. I cut. 4 lines of my tights(sp most be wrong). They are not deep but they are bright. I'm freaking out yet calm. I know i did wrong but at the same time, it doesn't matter that much. I needed it. They are pretty. They hurt. Damn I missed them. I feel strong yet weak...god. I'm such a fuck up.
I hate this, I feel like I'm falling back into depression. I hate it. I'm trying to find the force inside me to keep my head up. too hard It feels like the only thing that could help me would be o cut. If I could cut then things would be better. But I have to resist. I remind myself that Frank could see the marks and then things could go nuts. I would run away from him but then again I can't do that because there is a part of me that needs him. I feel safe when I'm with him. Jean got a gf. I got pissed when I found out for some reason...
I acted like a crazy person on tuesday. We went out and I got drunk. One of my gf was drunk aswell. I love her too death but she is an attention seeker. She cuts for attention. anyway for some reason she ended up cutting at the bar in front of everyone. I got pissed because I don't want her to hurt herself. I ended up yelling at her and left. Outside I met a friend of hers who force me to stay with him untill jess(my attention seeker friend) came out. She got out and I wanted to leave because I knew that if I talk to jess I'd be mean. He said that if I was really her friend I would have stayed. the thing is Jess has pushed me to the limit, I've been there for her for a year and yet she just doesn't want help. So I told him to fuck off and ended up having flashes of my uncle who comited suicide not so long ago. I went crazy I ended up running down the street with snow ice wearing high heels and no coat. Frank fallowed me and tried to hold me. I was screaming, kicking the whole crazy stuff. And he just stayed there and hold me tight. telling me everything was gonna be allright.
later on when shit was settle we were laying in bed and he told me he had been thinking about me all evening and that he thouth he was falling in love with me. I told him that I knew I was in love with him. We haven't mention it again...
damn the urge of cutting is getting stronger I'm freaking out. I want my life to just stop moving for a second.
to start with there is a ghost in my house. For those of you who don't believe in ghost it's okay you can have our own mind but please don't go off and start to judge me. thanx. anywho this ghost is feeding of my energy. I sleep and still wake up tired, i can't control my emotions. I feel like crying all the time and my stress level had reach the roof....My friend is comming over tonight and we will check what we can do.
On another note I haven't told Frank about my feelings yet. I'll just wait for the right moment. I feel myself drifting back into depression i can't help it I don't know what's causing it.
I've got things straight out because jean and I. Ater all the crap that has happend i'm just glad things are back to normal. I hate that I feel somewhat of an attraction to him thouth. I woldn't go with him or do anything with him but still...blah blabbing again...
Damn this is a new year. I can't fucking believe that the year 2005 is finally over. I was looking back at some old entries and damn I hope the next year won't be the same. Last year at this time I was 20 pounds lighter and it's freaking me out. I can't believe I've let myself gain that much weight. I'm just a fat whore. Yet Frank seems to love my body. he told Jess that I had the most beautiful body he had ever saw and touched. I just can't believe he would be attracted to something like that. I just don't understand how. Anyway we ended up speaning new year together and we slept together. It wasn't how I've imagine it. Yea I still live in a fairy tale. He was drunk I wasn't sober...yet it doesn't matter. I love him and just don't know how to tell him. It's insane. I just want to be happy with him...maybe even recover from the ed depression si crap. I don't know anymore...I feel like I don't know who I can't count on. who is my real friend. seems like execpt from julie they all shit in my face. blah I'm babbling...